I am a Combat Marine Veteran. Coming home from the war zone was a shock to my system, I just did not know or understand the ext ent. Even though I realized coming home was safe, I just did not understand the changes within me.
I spent many years dealing with the effects of the war and all things associated with war.
I could not heal and progressively my life got out of control. I ended up turning to all the negative things that come with PTSD. There was great use of alcohol, drugs, anger, and violence. All these issues took a toll on my life and those around me. I lost my marriage and all of this placed a great strain on my relationship with my children.
I was in a very dark place at this point of my life. I really believe the lowest I have ever been in my entire life. One night after coming home from a very bad time of drinking and a drug binge I contemplated suicide. When I awoke after passing out, I found myself with a 45 pistol in one hand and the picture of my two children in the other.
I knew at that time that I had a decision that needed to be made if I wanted to continue to live.
I drove to the veterans hospital in Albuquerque and checked in with the Beacon Team. I asked that they “PLEASE HELP ME.” I wanted to live. It was one of the hardest days of my life. I was admitted and spent 30 days there. I was broken and felt so weak and confused. I stayed until I was ready to be released. I was given an option to continue treatment by enrolling in an alcohol and substance abuse program. The program was for a period of one year. I enrolled and completed the program.
I remember telling my mom on the way to the veterans hospital that day after the suicide attempt that I was willing to give up everything in my life, but I won’ t give up my life. My parents are the two strongest people I know. They believe in me and are my strongest supporters. They treat me with unconditional love and understanding.
Since then, I have continued with many hours of counseling and medical care through the veterans hospital. I have now completed eight years of sobriety. Being alcohol free has changed things in my life for the better. My children and I have a good relationship. My ex-wife and I now talk and we have been able to raise two amazing children. I have found my faith in God and that remains strong.
Now, on to how the outdoors has helped me heal. The transition from military life to civilian existence can be difficult. I discovered through my counseling with other veterans that we all suffer from PTSD and this comes with depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. In one of my counseling groups, I met Andrew Black and Jeremy Romero with the New Mexico Wildlife Federation. Both spoke to our group of several outdoor options available to veterans through the Federation.
I contacted Andrew, who is the Federation’s director of veterans outreach, and scheduled my first fishing trip. I felt I would give the program a try and approached it with an open mind. Growing up, I was always an outdoorsman and I had lived on a ranch. At this time in my life, I found it very difficult to be outdoors, much less be around other people. I was depressed most of the time and not motivated to do anything. I had become a loaner and recluse. I would not leave my home for many days and had trouble being in crowds and where there was noise. I dealt with pain all the time. I am in a better place now even though I still have physical pain all the time.
I have been on several fishing and camping trips with the New Mexico Wildlife Federation along with Project Healing Waters represented by Paul White and Andrew Black. I found these men have walked a mile in my shoes; they listen and seek to understand.
Over the last two years I have been out fishing, camping, and hiking. I have found a sense of peace on these outings. I can feel a sense of rejuvenation of my mind and spirit. I remember a day while attending my alcohol and rehab course first hearing the term “forest bathing.” I never understood what that meant. In the last six months I did some research and reading and started putting some of the recommendations into practice. I try to get daily walks into my routine and therapy to keep me balanced. This practice works very well with the time I have spent with this group.
Today, I have to say that I realize all the time what I have lost due to depression and anxiety, but I am healing. I have allowed myself to get outdoors more often and feel the awe of the feeling of an emotional high in a positive way.
One of my treatment doctors asked me, “when was the last time I felt free and happy?” I responded when I was growing up in the mountains of northern New Mexico as a child. I had just forgotten for a while the joy that the outdoors brought to my soul.
The last few fishing trips have had a real positive impact in my life and helped with the healing. I can hardly wait for future trips. I have met many new veterans that are now friends and inspire me. The last trip, I caught one of the largest trout in my life. It was an awesome day! In the last couple of years, I have allowed myself to try and get to the outdoors more.
Every trip is a soul-searching experience. It’s good stuff to say the least. I have been able to get back a sense of purpose in my life, a new mission. I get outdoors on a fishing or camping trip and now it’s difficult to return back home. Most times I feel really relaxed and I tell myself before a trip I am off to the outdoors to lose my mind and find my soul.
In closing, I have found that between continued, spiritual guidance, follow up treatment at the veterans hospital and the great outdoors I have a new lease on life.
I am truly blessed. War tried to bury me, but the enemy forgot I was a seed and I grew.
